Petey and Hess--The Adventure of the Green Eyeball

"All classes are canceled at SUNY Delhi today, February 2, 2011, due to inclement weather." This morning at 6 AM Mrs Holscher took the official New York Alert phone call from the school. Instead of facing a minute by minute struggle through ice, snow, and a tight schedule, I could stay by the hearth at home!

First of all, I went back to bed instead of finishing my literature analysis for Professor Kramer. Then, I wandered around the house smiling at anything and everybody. When Becca sallied forth to walk Reagan, I tagged along, astounded at Reagan's ability to do the "butterfly stroke" in the crusty snow that was sometimes at the level of his face.

I learn many new things from Becca. This morning I received a history lesson concerning events that transpired after the creation of the world and a mysterious presence in the Holscher's own back yard.

The tale of Petey and Hess passed down, mouth to mouth, from older Holscher siblings to the younger members, one of whom was terrified of swimming in the backyard pond because of its history. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Here are the few details that I learned: Petey was a monster of large size that wanted to become a man. It was after Adam and Eve were kicked out of the mysterious Eden that Petey and Adam had a brilliant idea to change Petey back into a man. Eden already contained a fragrant tree drooping with knowledge. Maybe there was a different variety of fruit in the garden that would bequeath humanity upon its eater! But alas, the garden was closed, remember? Even a monster of large size and a perfect specimen of manhood couldn't break through the barrier into Eden's orchard.

Disappointed yet undaunted in spirit, Petey retained his monstrous form. But it was really quite fortunate because of what I have to tell you next. Please believe me when I tell you that another monster lurked the planet earth, this one so large that his eyeball was the size of a pond. Hess was an evil creepy character, intent on tearing up global turf and bullying the human race. Thankfully, the vast Petey was on the job to defend his manly friends on planet earth.

With the speed of a hummingbird and the strength of ten spiteful grizzly bears, Petey raised his hoary claws and bore a hole right through to the the earth's seething core. Petey then clasped Hess's surly bulk and flung him into the gaping hole and covered him with dirt, lava, and mountains. Satisfied, Petey lumbered away from what was now a small mountain range of rubble.

The end of my tale I tell you truly. Apparently, Petey wasn't a perfectionist, because Hess's one eye was left exposed in a small valley of the Catskill Mountains. In fact, this eyeball that I said was as large as a pond, actually was (and is) a slimy green pond full of leeches right in the Holscher's back yard. No wonder a certain young Holscher avoided aquatic exercises in its mysterious green depths.

The facts I'm relating from Becca's lips carry with them a deeply significant moral: perfect your freestyle skills before swimming in the Holscher's pond--you never know who's watching!